Lester's Fixins Artificial Bacon Soda

Thank goodness they told us it's artificial, I might have thought it was all natural bacon soda made from bacon squeezings. It does claim to have "natural flavor" in the ingredients, but honestly I can't imagine what that means. Unlike most fake bacon products I've tried this doesn't seem to use a lot of smoke flavoring. Instead it's very sweet. Probably too sweet. If anything it tastes less like bacon and more like sweet ham. That's not a good thing, if you couldn't guess. It also has a severely chemical aftertaste, which isn't always a deal breaker for me, but this time it is. Altogether foul, I don't expect I'll try it again.

Update: By the gods I've figured it out! Those sick twisted monsters. They didn't make an artificial soda that is bacon flavored. The flavor it's supposed to be is artificial bacon. As in Bac-Os. The goal wasn't bacon, the goal was fake bacon (fakon?). I think I'm even more disgusted now.

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Food & Candy Company

Paqui Tortilla Chips Haunted Ghost Pepper

By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth (sorry I've been reading a lot of Dr. Strange) I have made a mistake. This was a Bad Idea. My mouth is burning, my nose is dripping, I want to scrape off my lips, and honestly I'm quite frightened of what's going to happen "down the line", if you know what I mean. All this woe and I just had two chips. Two chips and I'm ready to be buried in an ice casket. #$@&%*! I am so unhappy right now. I had one chip and thought "this is hot, but bearable", so what does my idiot self do? I have a second chip. I feel like I've been tongue kissed by Mephistopheles. Why the hell would they make a bag this big for these chips? It's not like you can even torture a room full of your "friends" with them, because after the first two collapse no one else is even going to get near them. Ghost peppers were the hottest pepper in the world in 2007, but are now "only" considered the third hottest. They are rated at more than one million Scoville heat units. They are 401.5 times hotter than Tabasco sauce (thanks Wikipedia). I should have looked all this up before putting it in my mouth. If the sadism involved wasn't enough these chips are also made with cayenne, chipotle, and chili powder, my guess is in order to give it something resembling a taste. As if anyone can taste anything other than misery and regret. #$@&%*! 

Found at Fresh Market

Blue Plate Special Blackberry Cobbler Soda

Good thing they let me know that it's a cobbler soda, otherwise I would have thought its a pie soda, and that would be ridiculous. Could you imagine, a bottom layer of pie crust? It boggles the mind. It's very good. Very sweet. The blackberry is a glory in artificial flavoring. What really stands out to me though is the pie taste. Sorry, cobbler taste. There's a hint of what I think is vanilla and cinnamon that really does give you the taste of pie crust. Sorry, cobbler crust. It really is a work of art. Sorry, work of cobbler.

Found at World Market

Flux Candy Box of Boogers

I thought this would gross, but really it snot. I'm already knuckle deep in the box and all I'm getting is gold. I guess I really picked a winner. You could say I really have a nose for these kind of things. Are my jokes starting to booger you?

There are three flavors, snottermelon, sour green boogy (apple), and lemon loogy. Snottermelon is my favorite, potent yet not overpowering and honestly it has the best name. They're soft, like real nose goblins, but thankfully not sticky, so no sticking them under your chair. I got lucky, I found a real phlegm gem. 

Found at World Market

Opies Pickled Walnuts

I have never heard of these. It never even crossed my mind that you could pickle nuts of any kind, much less walnuts. According to Wikipedia, pickled walnuts are an English (go figure) delicacy from at least the early 19th century and have even been mentioned by Charles Dickens. It is frequently served at Christmas and with English blue cheese, but is served with cold meat or used in recipes.

They certainly aren't among the lovelier foods I've eaten. The outside is black as pitch and the insides are a sickly greenish brown. They smell strongly of malt vinegar, like you've been sitting in an unventilated fish and chips shop. Not bad, but extremely potent. None of this matters though, because the taste is incredible. Sharp, yet meaty with a strong vinegar finish. Another surprising thing is that they are soft, you could spread them with a knife, but they would mostly crumble. They really do need to be paired with something else strong tasting, over wise the vinegar is overpowering, but once you pair it, it brings out all the other flavors you would miss otherwise. I couldn't imagine these every really becoming popular here in the States, but as an oddball treat they're pretty good.

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Tea and Spice Company (it shares a space with the Food and Candy Company)

Betty Crocker Maple Bacon Cookie Mix and Maple Bacon Frosting

People love breakfast. Since so many people no longer can afford to take the time to eat breakfast, it only makes sense that we've taken the traditional tastes of breakfast and turned them into tastes for other meals.

 

 

 

I still haven't figured out how to do uniform sizing. Or how to put frosting on without making a mess. Or how to parallel park. I'd have to say they are way more maple than bacon, although there is a certain smoky taste that lends itself to the illusion. Speaking of illusions, there are also little dark sugar clumps that are meant to simulate the feel of bacon chunks. The frosting is also strong on maple flavor and likewise includes a sugary topping that is meant to resemble real bacon. They do smell incredible however, like you just poured syrup all over your breakfast. Over all I have to say I like it, but I wouldn't want to eat too many at once, I think the maple would become overpowering and it would ultimately taste too much like chemicals, but it really does work in smaller doses.

 

Found at Food Lion

Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly Soda

Is there anything more classic than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich? According to Wikipedia the average American will eat 1,500 of them before graduating high school and I can only imagine that high school dropouts will eat considerably more. I have to say, the weird pinkish color freaks me out a bit, kind of like an unholy combination of grapefruit and Pepto Bismal. 

The taste is even harder to describe, there's certainly a sweet fruityness to it. However I'm not sure which fruit they are attempting to replicate, I think it's strawberry, but for all I know it could be grape. The peanut butter flavor at the beginning is weak, but it becomes more obvious in the aftertaste. The more you drink the more all the tastes build up, you really have to drink most of the bottle to get the full effect and once you do the taste will linger for a while. Almost like its sticking to the roof of your mouth. It's not bad, and I certainly wouldn't mind drinking it again, but past the novelty factor (my favorite factor) I really can't see anyone deciding this is their favorite soda. 

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Food & Candy Company