Strawberry Kiwi Breese

Why someone would squeeze the juices out of a harmless flightless bird is beyond me, but if you are going to make it into a soda, I guess it's my responsibility to try it. It's really odd. Really, really odd. I really can't tell if it's kiwi or strawberry flavored because as soon as I taste it my brain tells me that it's Latin American soda I used to drink. Either Inca Kola or Colombiana Kola, I can't remember which and I'll go get a can to compare later. Truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of kiwi, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to taste like this. It has a weird medicinal almost chemical taste. Those are normally are things that I enjoy, but in this case I do not. It even leaves a kind of acrid aftertaste, that's starting to bug me. Perhaps I'm just biased against kiwis (stupid little birds), so if anyone else wants to go out and try it, be my guest. You have been warned.

This is a kiwi, right?

Found at World Market

Somerdale Wensleydale with Blueberries

Whoa, this is good. It's like a piece of cheesecake you can put on a cracker. Wensleydale cheese, for those of you frightened of Wikipedia, is a supple, crumbly, moist texture and a flavor that suggests wild honey balanced with fresh acidity. Boom, plagiarism! Even better with my wiki stealing in full effect I learned that it's even mentioned in an old Pinky and the Brain episode. It is remarkably creamy with blueberries adding sweetness that compliments the lightly acidic undertones. It is also very hard to stop eating. Incidentally just in case you are wondering Somerdale is the importer and not the name of the cheese itself.

Found at Whole Foods

Pringles Philly Cheesesteak

The Philadelphia cheesesteak is a sandwich designed to cause arguments. Whether it's what kind if bread to use, what kind of cheese or even which toppings are appropriate, there is no detail too small to have a rabid fan base that insists it's version is correct and that everyone else is a bunch of filthy heretics. So where does that leave the fans of the Pringles take on the iconic sandwich? Probably languishing in the depths of Tartarus for the crime of having bad taste. The first thing you notice upon eating is onions. It's very heavy on onion flavor. The next thing is the cheese, it has both cheddar ( not Cheez Wiz, as some Phillyphiles demand) and provolone. After that is where it gets confusing. Sometimes I think I can taste a hint of peppers, but it could be something meant to simulate meat. I really can't tell. They definitely suffer from the problem many Pringles have which is spotty flavor coating. All said and done they aren't that bad if you like onions, but I really can't imagine someone as having this as their favorite chip.

Found exclusively at Dollar General

Special thanks to Crystal for hunting these down for me.

Good & Delish Cheeseburger Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

There are a lot of vital components that go into making a good cheeseburger and per the bag art they are trying to give the flavor of  all of them. There's cheddar cheese, tomatoes, onions, pickles, mustard (not shown on the front of the bag, but it's featured in the ingredients), lettuce (it's on the bag art, but I can't figure out if it's represented in the ingredients) and of course the hamburger itself. The end result is a good potato chip, but there's no way anyone would be able to tell what it's supposed to be. I actually have put a cheeseburger in a blender when I was on a no solid food diet and trust me, it doesn't work the same as having a real burger in front of you. Other than an identity crisis these are very tasty chips, with a really good crunch. Definitely good for a drugstore brand chip.

Found at Walgreens

Blue Diamond Cherry Pie Almonds

Loki the god of mischief must be up to his old tricks, because I cannot grasp how someone could think this up. Cherry pie almonds? I'm glad they did though, because they are great. Thank you Loki, good luck causing Ragnarok. When they say cherry pie, they mean the whole pie, in addition to the delightful cherry flavor, you really can taste the pie crust. It's that kind of detail that sets these apart from lesser nuts. They are limited edition and only found at Walgreens, so get them while you can.

Found at Walgreens (I just said that)

Rooibee Red Tea Vanilla Chai

Time to try something "healthy".  I put healthy in quotes because like every health food fad there are hundreds of things it'll supposedly fix or cure. That's all well and good if it does half the things it claims to do, I only care about taste. It tastes really good. It's pleasantly herbal and quite refreshing. The vanilla chai is complimented with the rooibos' earthy caramel notes. It may aid in digestion, it might prevent altitude sickness, prevent cancer, cure gout, contain estrogen like substances (huh?), and may even give you the ability to shoot lightning from your eyeballs, but even if it doesn't (the last one is a long shot), at least it tastes really good.

Found at Fresh Market

The South Bend Chocolate Company Chocolate Bacon Crunch

Today my faith in humanity has been crushed. What kind of sick monster puts Bac Os bits in chocolate? Did they not receive hugs as a child? Are they some sort of fungus person from beneath the Earth's crust? Artificial bacon pieces are a crime in their own right, but to sully chocolate and caramel popcorn with it is the work of a super villain. To say that it is unpleasant is like saying the Second World War was a spat.

Since I am a cruel person myself, I suckered my coworkers into trying some, I couldnt keep all the suffering to myself. One coworker said "it tastes like what dog food smells like" and another claimed they tasted like Beggin' Strips, which is artificial bacon dog treat. I naturally asked her how she knew what they tasted like. Appearantly her sister tricked her into trying one as a kid. At least today wasn't a total loss for me, because I'm going to tease her about that forever. Due to the chocolate I can't even give this horror to my dog, even though it was clearly meant for canines. I normally try to finish whatever foods I get, even if that means sharing them with the unsuspecting, but I think these are going to go in the trash.

Found at World Market (and I wish I didn't find them at all)

T.O. Williams Capital Half Smoke Sausage

Even though I've lived in the DC metro area for most of my life, I never really had the regional official sausage. This is a great error on my part and one I fully plan to rectify. 

What is a half smoke though? Wikipedia is fairly vague and there are disagreements. Originally they had a half pork and half beef composition and were prepared by smoking them. However they can be all pork or all beef and can be grilled or steamed. The only thing that seems to be consistent is that they are generally coarser than hot dogs and should have a smoky flavor by either natures or artificial means. The ones I found are all pork. These sausages are awesome. Don't let the red color fool you, they aren't spicy. Traditionally they are served with chili, but I like them with chimichurri. I also recommend cooking them on the grill, just a little bit of char on the outside really brings the flavors together. If you can find them at the store and if I haven't bought them all yet, I suggest you pick some up.

Found at Giant

Cafe Valley Root Beer Float Cake

Finally a root beer float without all the cold and liquid. Man, what a hassle. I had never heard of these before, but my coworkers insisted they were a thing and sure enough, a quick search on the internet found me dozens of recipes. Where have I been that I never heard it?

Is it a regional thing?

This cake was moist, delicious, and didn't send me out to the store looking for root beer extract. The root beer flavor compliments the icing nicely. It really does taste like a float. Probably shouldn't toss it in a glass though.

Kind of pretty, right? If only there was some way to keep the carbonation.

Found at Giant

Sprite Blast

I remember in the 90's sour candy was all the rage. Sour Patch Kids, Warheads, and a bunch of sour variations of preexisting candies, like Skittles and Razzles. Maybe that's why punk and industrial music was so popular back then. We were intense! Even our sugar treats threatened to destroy your head. Sprite Blast would have fit in perfectly. It is impressively sour. I winced when I tasted it. Unlike the hard candies there's nothing sweet underneath to hold your hand when it gets to be too much. This sour lingers. I would certainly have dared someone to drink this when I was a kid. Actually, I kind of want to see if I can get anyone to drink it now. I couldn't imagine it coming in a larger can. It even makes other things taste and smell stronger after drinking it. It's kind of fun. Try it, I dare you!

Found at 7-11

Itsumo Spiced Ahi Tuna Jerky

Fish jerky? I was surprised when I first saw pork and bacon jerky, now I'm down right flummoxed. The only type of meat I haven't really seen jerked is chicken. I be seen it sold for dogs, but I guess the jerking process renders it too tough for human consumption. Speaking of the jerking process it really removes much of the distinctive tuna flavor from the meat. There's a faintly fishy smell when you open the bag, but the taste is almost the same as regular beef jerky. It's smoky and spicy and more than a little chewy. It's good but at more than sixteen dollars for two and a half ounces I'd stick to regular beef jerky unless you can't eat beef for some reason. Ok with all that out of the way, I can now laugh like Beavis and Butthead. Hehe, jerking process. Hehe fishy smell. Hehe.

Found at Whole Foods

Zapp's Spicy Cajun Crawtators Potato Chips

What in the world is a Crawtator? Is it some manner of crayfish potato alligator mutant hybrid? Do people eat them or do they eat people? Is this the seasoning they put on us to make humans more palatable? Having never been to Louisiana, I don't know that much about the local fauna. I did a bit of research and found that this is the seasoning that the Louisianans put on crayfish or as it's also known; crawfish, crawdads, or mudbugs. Such a colorful place. They taste like a slightly sweeter version of Old Bay, although I did have one friend complain that they tasted like dirt. I may have to reevaluate that friendship. So unless you are a total weirdo, you'll enjoy these chips.

Found at Safeway

Chimichurri

I'm going to do something a little bit different and share my family's recipe for chimichurri. For those who don't know, chimichurri is an Argentine green sauce made primarily of parsley, garlic, oil, and vinegar. It is traditionally served on steak and sausages, but can also be used as a marinade.

Ingredients:

1 bundle of parsley

1 medium white onion

2 bulbs of garlic

Vegetable or canola oil

1 tsp salt

1 pinch sugar

1 tsp oregano

1 tsp paprika

1 pinch red pepper flakes

Red wine vinegar

Strip the stems from your parsley. It's nearly impossible and way too time consuming to get absolutely all of the small ones, but at least get rid of the thicker part. Peel the garlic. I found garlic from Argentina at Whole Foods, it's not important, but it made me smile. I used a quick way I found on the internet. I crushed the clove with the palm if my hand and then put the pieces in a metal bowl, covered it with another metal bowl and shook vigorously. It really did the trick in less than a minute. Peel and chop the onion. Make sure you have more parsley than onion. A 4:3 ratio is what's family uses. Chop the ingredients finely, you can do it by hand, but a food processor works perfectly and you can put it all in at once. Put your chopped and mixed ingredients into a container. I prefer something taller like a jar, so I can see what's inside and it makes it easier to serve. Pour in the oil until half the mixture is under oil. I used canola oil. Olive oil is traditional, but my family doesn't use it. Time to add your spices, I followed the ingredient list fairly closely, my family generally just eyeballs everything, you should adjust it to your tastes. Finally add the red wine vinegar until the fluid level is just below the surface. Stir, shake whatever you like and voila!  Put it on some steak or use it to top your choripan and enjoy.

Nature's Pure Organic Cherry Jubilee Cola

Like most people in this country I am no stranger to cherry cola. Whether it's Cherry Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi (which I think is better because it plays that funky music, white boy) if had plenty of it, but I still wasn't expecting this. This is very cherry. A veritable jubilee of cherry. It has actual cherry juice in it, which makes it very sweet. Or should I say "cherry sweet." I am actually glad it comes in a small 8oz bottle, I think too much of this could put someone in diabetic shock. That wouldn't be "cherry nice," now would it?

Found at Whole Foods

Nabisco Chewy Chips Ahoy! Brownie Filled

Om nom nom. As tempting as it would be to fill a page with Cookie Monster quotes, I probably should say a few things about the cookies. Wow. Yumm. Mmmmm.

There is basically a wondrous brownie disc encased in a chewy moist cookie carapace. Both cookie and brownie are evident in every bite and every bite begets another bite. They are supremely addictive, most times I do these reviews I only eat one or two pieces, just enough to get a good feel for the food. This time me and my coworkers nearly scarfed down the entire container in minutes. C may be for cookie, but B is for brownie and that is more than good enough for me.

Found at Giant

Xing Juice Blackberry Grape

Blackberry and grape, it seems like such an obvious combination that it's surprising there aren't more things featuring them like a fruit based buddy cop movie. Tart and tangy Blackberry, is a grizzled maverick that plays by her own rules. Sweet and juicy Grape is a by the book rookie who can't leave his comfort zone. I'm thinking Sigourny Weaver and Nick Frost. Fine, I'll stick to food reviews. It's a pretty good drink, maybe a bit tart for some, but I liked it anyway.

Found at Giant

Buffalo Bob's Peppered Elk with Beef Stick

One bite of this and you'll immediately notice the unmistakable elk flavor that has won fans from around the world. That's a huge lie. My pants may very well be on fire at this moment. It is said that elk is the sweetest of deer meats. If that is true then it really doesn't benefit from the meat stick process. Of course it could be said that nothing really benefits from the meat stick process, but I'll stay out of that argument. It didn't even come across as particularly peppery either. The pepper is there, just not to the degree that I think it should get billing on the label. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad by any stretch if the imagination, just that it's not very distinctive either.

Found at Pepper Palace

Donated by my Mom

General Mills Lucky Charms Treats XL

Why is this called a "treat bar"? Are they prohibited from calling it a breakfast bar? Did Lucky the Leprechaun anger the scourge of the milk seas, Cap'n Crunch? Is it a crappy marketing thing to try to convince people to eat cereal for more than just breakfast? Probably the last one.

Ho hum, it's pretty boring really. Just another cereal bar with yoghurt "milk" at the bottom. I do wonder why they didn't try to pretty it up a little though. The raison d'être for Lucky Charms is that everything is shaped like luck symbols presumably so that they are blessed each day by Tyche, the Greek goddess of  luck. I may need to verify that. Either way, the symbols are all mushed and the marshmallow bits are crumbled and nearly unrecognizable. This is an ill omen for your day. Unless I'm overthinking it all, in which case it probably means they just used the factory rejects for the bar. It certainly is extra large though, and I applaud the restraint it surely must've taken to not put an additional "X" in the "XL".

Found at Exxon

Soda Boy Caramel Cream

This is a weird one. I'm still trying to figure out if I like it or has my mind finally been broken. Damn it Soda Boy, what are you smirking at? Smug little jerk. I love caramel, it tops ice cream, it fills candy bars, it makes great puddings and pies. It is one of the fundamental forces of sweetness in the universe. As a carbonated beverage, perhaps not. It's just too much. It's not refreshing. I can't even say it's bad, it's a very good caramel flavor. This isn't the format for it, though. It should be found in a can of frosting or maybe on peanuts. There may very well be a reason I've never seen a caramel soda before.

Found at World Market (I think)

Donated by my Mom.

Tabasco Brand Spicy Chocolate

"Tabasco, I know you, what are you doing in that tin? Chocolate, you say? Whatever could you be thinking?" Our dear friend Tabasco, international superstar that it is, was certainly thinking the right thing. While I normally prefer my sweet mixed with salty, sweet and spicy is also a winning combination. 

At first bite I didn't really taste anything, just wonderful dark chocolate, and not the waxy kind that gets passed around too often. I admit I was foolish, I put my guard down and wasn't prepared for the slowly growing heat. It kept building, building and building, long after the point I thought it would stop. It is Tabasco, so obviously it's not going to win any insane hot sauce competitions, but it was still impressive. The sweet heat (which sounds like an adult film star) may not be everyone's deal, but if it is, these will delight.

Found at World Market

Rite Aid Pantry Thai Spice Almonds

I don't get to eat a lot of Thai food, much of it contains coconut and I have a nasty allergy to that. So with that being said, I have no idea what makes these almonds "Thai Spice". They don't taste like sriracha, which is arguably the most popular taste of Thailand in the United States at the moment. In fact they aren't hot at all, which was a surprise to everyone I shared them with. The can itself offers few clues, just onion, garlic, paprika, vinegar and "spices". I tried to look up Thai spice and then Thai seasoning but other than ginger (likely), Thai chilis (doubtful since there's no heat) and fish sauce (no way, they'd have to put that on the ingredients list, right?), I really don't know what makes this Thai spiced. As much as I hate not knowing something it doesn't matter what spices are used because these are really good. I brought them to a barbecue and they quickly passed from hand to hand and in several rotations before I had to hide the few remaining nuts so I could write this review. I'm actually surprised that one of the big nut companies, like Blue Diamond or Emerald, haven't made their own version of these. 

Found at Rite Aid (obviously)

Pringles Xtra Screamin' Dill Pickle

I was initially hesitant to buy these chips because I thought I've had plenty of different dill chips I figured these wouldn't be any different. Eventually enough of my friends praised their virtue, that I figured I may as well try them. I'm glad I did. They are in fact extraordinary (I refuse to use the term XTRA-ordinary that's on the package). The flavoring is the right balance of dill and vinegar and unlike some other Pringles flavors (I'm looking at you disappointing BBQ) it is evenly spread throughout the chip so that every bite is loaded with goodness. My favorite dill pickle chip remains Route 11, these are definitely a close second. If you can find them, I recommend picking some up.

Found at Walmart

Flying Dog Dead Rise Old Bay Summer Ale

As my bartenders will tell you, I am not much of a beer drinker. That being said, I do actually like beer and the thought of something new and innovative piqued my interest (as it always does). The beer is light and refreshing as one would expect from a summer ale. No one cares about the summer ale aspect though, the Old Bay is what catches catches the eye and enthralls the tongue. Old Bay or as it's known among my Virginia friends, "The Only Good Thing to come from Maryland", is a mixture of spices that are traditionally served on crabs and shrimp, but has since moved on to being featured as seasoning on an assortment of other foods. You really can't go wrong with Old Bay and that holds true with this beer. The Old Bay taste starts mild but becomes more distinct as you finish each delightful sip. I would certainly recommend drinking this paired with seafood, but it stands well on its own. I would also like to see how well it works when used in cooking or baking.

Found at Circle K

Donated by Pat

PopCorners Sweet Chili Popped Corn Chips

If you aren't familiar with PopCorners, the are chips made out of popcorn, much like how regular corn chips are formed. This process creates a light chip that is something like a cross between a tortilla chip and a rice cake. They have a rough uneven texture but are solid enough to dip. The sweet chili powder on the chip add a nice zest with just a tiny hint of heat at the finish. The carry the right balance of flavor as well, the sweet chili is distinct, yet doesn't overpower the popcorn taste. I found these, and a bunch of other flavors in the health food section, but honestly I have no idea how to read the labels, which as far as I can tell only exist to put guilt into people before they go ahead and eat whatever it is anyways. Besides, you are reading the wrong blog if you are looking for healthy snacking.

Found at Giant