Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Pumpkin Pie

I've been getting in touch with my inner white girl ( I imagine she looks just like me, but in Ms. Pac-Man fashion, has bows in her moustache) and have been eating quite a bit of pumpkin flavored foods. My weird thought processes aside, these are really good. I've never had warm pumpkin pie before, and I bet not too many of you have either. A real hot pumpkin pie would probably be too gooey and messy to eat, but once it's put into a crust pocket (which upon seeing it written out, sounds repulsive) it becomes a wonderful hot portable treat. The filling itself is all that a pumpkin pie could hope to be and the frosting is festive, sweet, and as always, necessary (I don't trust people who buy unfrosted pop tarts, they are probably pod people). It's good this comes in a double size box, six would just not be sufficient. 

Found at Food Lion

Calbee Snapea Crisps Wasabi Ranch

Interesting, I guess they can make Cheetos out of stuff other than corn. Actually it's not accurate to compare these to Cheetos, because they really have nothing in common other than texture. According to the package they are made 70% out of peas and are even shaped to resemble pea pods, just in case you forgot what you were eating. I'm also quite impressed with the wasabi ranch. That's not a common flavor in snack foods, but it should be. The bite of wasabi with the mellowness of ranch. Ii really can't say if they are a healthy, healthier, or just plain normal snack, but considering that they taste good I would certainly recommend giving them a shot. Just visualize whirled peas. Give peas a chance? No? Bad joke? I'll try to find something that will a-peas you. Peas don't stop reading my blog.

Found at 7-11

M&M's Pumpkin Spice

I've found the perfect pumpkin spice product for people who hate pumpkin spice. If there's any special flavor to this I really can't tell. Part of me wants to believe it's really subtle, like a picture of a polar bear in a snowstorm, but I think I have to admit it's just not there. It's not just me either, I passed some out at my office and no one could detect it either. They come in green, orange, and brown, which I guess is supposed to represent pumpkins, but I'm not really sure how. If the green is supposed to be for the stem, what is the brown then? All in all, disappointing, but on the bright side since it's the Age of Pumpkin Spice I'm sure I'll find things that'll do a better job of filling my pumpkin cravings.

Found at Target 

Herr's Old Bay Seasoned Cheese Curls

Finally a cheese puff variant that isn't just some type of spicy. While I doubt we'll ever see teriyaki or dill versions, it's good to think there is room for experimentation. As I've said previously Old Bay is regional spice originally used for crabs, but is making it's way to being a more universal flavoring. These are pretty good, the Old Bay isn't overpowering and the cheese helps keep it mellow. There is a slightly odd citrus tang in the aftertaste, but it's not unpleasant. To quote Eric Cartman, "yeah, I want cheesy poofs."

Found at Giant

Nabisco Pumpkin Spice Oreo

The ancient prophecies have come to pass. With the coming autumn, the fair skinned yoga pantsed maidens in Starbucks rejoiced. The Age of Pumpkin Spice is upon us! Already a bevy of gourd flavored and scented products dominate the landscape. It is then no surprise that Oreo, with it's boundless determination to make cookies that embody the very spirit of summer, also shall strive to do the same with fall. Once again with eerie accuracy they have hit their mark. Essentially they've created a perfectly puny pumpkin pie (alliteration!). Quite honestly I'm not sure if they manage to get flavors through use of mad science or the occult, but it really hits the mark. It truly feels like every ingredient and spice that exists in a real pumpkin pie is represented here, even though I think we all know none of them are actually present. Even the golden cookies, which I generally consider to be subpar, work well to create the illusion of a pie crust. If all this seasons offerings are as good as this I'll be quite pleased with this Age of Pumpkin Spice.

Found at Shoppers

MoonPie Salted Caramel

It's almost hard to believe that salted caramel until the early 2000's was considered a gourmet treat. It has slowly worked it's way down the culture pipeline to the point you can now find it anywhere. The humble MoonPie, which is coming close to one hundred years of production, is known as a working man's treat and can always be found in gas stations everywhere. So the idea of a salted caramel MoonPie strikes me like owning a tuxedo with the sleeves ripped off or putting oversize tires on a limousine. To make matters worse it's not even particularly good salted caramel. The whole point is for the salt to add a sharp bite to contrast to the sweetness of caramel. This just tasted like less sweet caramel, no salt involved. Even a couple of crystals would have made it more interesting. Long gone are the days when salt was a valuable commodity, hard fought from the earth, there's no need to be stingy with it. I better go down to the gas station and see if Cooter has gotten any caviar flavored pork rinds, I need something to salvage this meal.

Found at Giant

Bacon Mamma Jamma Bacon Jam

My family in Argentina always have a hard time with the words ham and jam. In Spanish ham is spelled jamon but pronounced ham-on (yes, I know I've mentioned this before). Now their mistake is even easier to make with bacon jam. It is made by slow cooking bacon, onions, brown sugar, and vinegar. This one is noticible for including garlic and rosemary. I have to admit this is one of the least visually appealing foods I've eaten, especially when it's cold. The fat congeals and makes the jar look like it's filled with white tendrils of horror. It's not much better when spread on a cracker. It looks like a foul mixture of pâté and dirt.

Looks aren't everything (which is what I tell women that I try to date), and if you heat them up for a couple seconds in the microwave.

Ok, they still look ugly and slightly darker, but wow, what a taste. Smoky, sweet, yet earthy and balanced. A little bit of heat melts the fat and caramelizes the sugar, turning it into a whole new treat. The onions are really well cooked so you get the flavor but not the odd sensation in your mouth (I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like the mouth feel of onions). If you only go by your eyes you are going to miss out (ahem, ladies). Even better this is spreadable bacon, you can put it on burgers, sandwiches, baked Brie, or even eggs. Truly we live in a bacon renaissance.

Donated by my mom

Found at baconmammajamma.com

Jelly Belly Draft Beer Jelly Beans

Draft beer (not sure why I try to spell it draught) has a reputation for being cheap beer. That reputation may not be entirely fair, but it does seem to be the thought process behind these jelly beans. Even upon opening the bag the smell of spilt beer assails the nose, reminding me of the dive bars I visited in college (as opposed to the dive bars I frequent now). A better, more accurate name instead of draft beer might be cheap American light (lite?) beer. It reminds me a college quite a bit, although I'm slightly less likely to go streaking afterwards (only slightly less), same odds on hurling though.

They are rather shiny and pretty, like something you'd find at a tacky wedding. I decided to pass some out at a local bar so I could get more opinions on how they taste (the sacrifices I make for this blog). I can safely say interest in the jelly beans grew as consumption of alcohol increased (shocking, I know). Where I think they taste like stale beer, my fellow patrons were convinced of loftier brews, such as Yuengling or Sierra Nevada. 

On the bright side though, even if you eat an entire bag of them, you won't wake up with a hangover or with a regrettable hook up in your bed.

Donated by my mom

Found on Amazon.com

Blue Plate Special Red Velvet Cake Soda

Is it possible to juice a cake? Put it in a giant press and squeeze it's essence out. That's what this soda tastes like, liquid extract of red velvet. Incidentally, if you didn't know, red velvet gets it's name from the chemical reaction of cocoa powder and buttermilk (I'm 90% certain there is no velvet involved, however). This soda is red from food coloring, but I wanted to share a useless fact. It will also turn your tongue a lovely shade of crimson.

 It's very sweet, but not cloyingly so. The cocoa flavor really comes across smoothly, one might even say velvety. I wouldn't mind drinking it with some cream cheese, or even an actual slice of red velvet cake, but I think my head would explode and my tongue would never return to it's original shade.

Found at World Market

Annie Chun's Roasted Seaweed Snacks Wasabi

How does the idea of eating paper sound to you? Would the fact that it's remarkably dry, crispy, and nearly translucent make it more appealing? No? Oh, that's too bad then, these are pretty good. They make me want to go out and get sushi, but to be fair many things make me want to get sushi (including sushi making me want to eat more sushi). The wasabi is pretty hot, but doesn't get overwhelming because each piece is very thin. In fact that may be my only complaint. Each piece is so thin that they gone in a heart beat. The seaweed itself has a slightly salty taste with perhaps a tiny hint of pleasant fishiness. For something that's described as a snack it's not filling at all and just leaves you wanting more. A lot more. It's like eating wasabi air. I are the entire package in minutes and I'm not sated at all. If anything it just made me hungrier. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Found at Harris Teeter

Grapery Cotton Candy Grapes

The grape growers (grape breeders? grapists?) at Grapery (same group that made the Witch Finger grapes) show up once again to demonstrate that the majesty of nature is nothing to the oddities of man. Yes, they really do taste like cotton candy. No, they aren't GMO, unless you consider regular cross breeding that people have been doing for all of human history to be a genetic modification. When I say they taste like cotton candy I want to explain that it's only for the first second when you bite down that you get the rush of flavor, afterwards it just like any other good grape when you chew. Don't worry though, grapes are small and you can (and will) go through quite a few of them. Almost a shame they aren't bright blue or pink.

Found at Fresh Market

M&M's White Chocolate Candy Corn

I'm still not sure what candy corn is actually supposed to taste like. It's certainly not corn, and personally I don't think it tastes like candy either. It's pretty much just sugar and wax. Still, candy corn has been around for a bit more than a hundred years, so it's not surprising that someone out there likes it. There are even people who eat those repulsive wax lips. Bunch of sickos. I feel like even the bag is disgusted at me for eating these, but I don't let surly bags rule my life, so eat them I will. Upon opening the bag the smell of candy corn reaches out like a zombies arm pushing through the cold dead earth. They have the smell down pat, I haven't had candy corn in years and even now I find it unmistakable. Much like real candy corn there are three colors and they all taste the same. I think the taste is quite similar to the real thing (heinous), but the white chocolate does give it a much creamier taste. One of my coworkers complained that they tasted too artificial, but considering there is nothing natural in real candy corn, I can't even imagine how that's possible. If for some ungodly reason you like candy corn and white chocolate, I suggest you pick some up on your way to the insane asylum.

Found at Walmart

San Pellegrino Clementina

San Pellegrino is an Italian company that produces a naturally occurring carbonated water from the Dolomite Mountains (not to be confused with the super pimp and his army of all girl Kung Fu killers). They also make a number of fruit based beverages featuring the same water. They are known for their strong tart taste. Clementina (made from clementines, just in case your Italian is rusty) is actually fairly mild in comparison to its cousins Limonata and Aranciata. It's still tart, but it won't make your face scrunch up like you are being pulled into a tiny black hole either. The natural carbonation also gives it an interesting aftertaste, especially if you are rude like me and promptly burp right after drinking. All in all it's really quite good, very refreshing, and a great replacement if you don't feel like drinking Orange Crush.

Found at Giant

Chocolate Nugget Candy Factory Thin and Crisp Jalapeño, P-Nut Brittle

Whenever I think of peanut brittle I think of the old cans that had a spring snake inside that would jump out to scare you when you opened the lid. A good portion of me was expecting that when I opened this bag. I expected to be horrified, and to be fair it is a shade of green that would make the Incredible Hulk go green with envy if he wasn't already green.

I really shouldn't trust my expectations. It's actually quite mild, that or I've murdered my tongue with spicy foods and I can't tell anymore.  Don't get me wrong though, you can certainly taste the jalapeño and there is a bit of heat to it. It just takes a while to build up, but once it does it lingers. Speaking of lingering, being brittle (so that's why they call it that) when you bite into it shatters and leaves lots of little green crystals that stick quite tenaciously to your shirt, or in my case, chest hair. I feel like a sticky Oscar the Grouch. Being green, sticky, and hairy is making me feel a bit grouchy too, good thing it's still rather tasty.

Found at the Chocolate Nugget Candy Factory in Nevada

Donated by my friend Amy

Essential Everyday Bacon Wrapped Jalapeño Popper Kettle Chips

Wait, are bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers a real thing? Is somebody playing word salad with food? Avocado prosciutto sushi. Good heavens, it works! I want that now! Ahem, let me regain my composure. Bacon, cream cheese, and jalapeño (I'm guessing from the picture that they aren't using fried jalapeño poppers as inspiration), it's a tall order to keep these tastes individually distinct. Jalapeño can and often does overpower other flavors. That is somewhat the case here. I say somewhat because, it really depends on how you eat these. If you eat a few at a time all you will taste is the pepper. If you eat them individually however you can also taste the bacon or the cream cheese. For whatever reason (possibly brain damage) I only taste jalapeño and bacon on some and on the others is jalapeño and cream cheese on the others. Never all three at once and never without the jalapeño. Perhaps the different flavors are made separately or maybe my weak mind can't perceive more than two things at once. Either way, they are pretty good as long as you enjoy jalapeño (I feel like I haven't ever typed this many Ñ's in one paragraph), and who knows maybe someone else will be able to taste all three working in harmony.

Found at Shoppers

Herr's Fire Roasted Sweet Corn flavored Popcorn

If any of you recently heard a loud popping noise, that was the sound of my mind being blown. It's corn flavored to taste like other corn. What's next corn on the cob being genetically modified to taste like candy corn? Blegh, that sounds awful. I've previously reviewed Herr's Sweet Corn flavoring when it was featured on potato chips. That was weird, and yet this is somehow stranger. Unlike the chips, you can somewhat taste the popcorn underneath, which makes the two tastes go somewhat back and forth on which one is more prominent at any given time. As odd as all this sounds, they are actually quite good, plenty of buttery flavor, salty but not excessively so, and it really does remind you of corn fresh off the grill. I kind of wish they served this at movie theaters, just can't overthink it, down that path lies madness.

Found at Giant

Arriba Horchata Energy Cinnamon Spice

Horchata, for the most part, in the United States refers to a milk drink made with rice and cinnamon, but there are many different varieties that can be made completely different. Even though it's spelled with an H, you don't pronounce it, so it really isn't "whore chata". This energy drink version is a pretty good take on the original. It has slightly less caffeine than a comparably sized Red Bull, but it tastes way better. It really doesn't even taste like an energy drink at all. The dairy and spices even manage to cover up the taurine flavor (which I've learned is important for cats, and perhaps even humans) that most energy drinks have. It really tastes like something I would drink, even if I wasn't looking for something to wake me up. I wonder if I put it into coffee as a replacement for cream, if I would be able see time or hear colors.

Found at 7-11

Bruce Cost Ginger Ale Unfiltered Original

Do you like ginger? Do you really like ginger? I don't mean gingers, our fair skinned and red haired friends (they are great, though). I mean the root that has a million uses and has travelled the world over. If you like ginger beer or if you can scarf down a dozen ginger snaps without crying, this may be the drink for you. In the United States regular ginger ale is thought of as a mild drink, perhaps something you'd drink with a couple saltines because you've got an upset tummy. This'll fix your belly, but not before it sets your tongue on fire. There's a reason ginger is served with sushi to cleanse the palate. Since it's unfiltered there is actual ginger floating around in it. I didn't really physically notice it, but there's no forgetting the effect. I bet it would make a great Dark and Stormy, just add dark rum. 

Found at World Market