Nabisco Oreo Mini Candy Cane

For some reason Oreo decided not to release these as full size cookies but only as minis. I have seen pictures of a full size Peppermint Oreo, but I haven't seen them in stores around here yet. This of course brings up the point of what is the difference between candy cane and peppermint? Especially since there isn't any white stripes on these.

If anything I would describe the color as "flesh wound", which is hardly festive at all. The creme as you may have noticed barely fills the space between the cookies, which is a bit disappointing. The taste is over all pretty good, and the small size allows you to put way too many in your mouth at once if you want to pretend to be a giant eating regular sized Oreos. Mostly though I'm just disappointed with Oreo as a company right now. All summer long they released some insane flavors like fruit punch, watermelon and limeade, among others and all they could think of for the holidays was candy cane? Why not eggnog creme or gingerbread cookie, or if they really wanted to go nuts, something like sugar plum or figgy pudding? So many missed opportunities. 

Found at Giant

Lay's Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips

I'm not sure where the idea of putting chocolate on potato chips started, but I can't imagine it was an easy sell the first time. Perhaps someone read their recipe for sweet potato pie very very wrong. They're actually better than I was expecting, the end result is something like a Crackle Bar (the chocolate with bits of puffed rice inside, but with salt.

Only a few of the pieces were totally covered in chocolate, most just had a single coated side. Also, you may be able to see a couple grains of coarse salt on top ( or not because I'm terrible at taking pictures). Like I said, actually much better than I expected. The chocolate and the salt contrast nicely and the potato chip gives a decent crunch.

Found at Exxon

Lester's Fixins Artificial Bacon Soda

Thank goodness they told us it's artificial, I might have thought it was all natural bacon soda made from bacon squeezings. It does claim to have "natural flavor" in the ingredients, but honestly I can't imagine what that means. Unlike most fake bacon products I've tried this doesn't seem to use a lot of smoke flavoring. Instead it's very sweet. Probably too sweet. If anything it tastes less like bacon and more like sweet ham. That's not a good thing, if you couldn't guess. It also has a severely chemical aftertaste, which isn't always a deal breaker for me, but this time it is. Altogether foul, I don't expect I'll try it again.

Update: By the gods I've figured it out! Those sick twisted monsters. They didn't make an artificial soda that is bacon flavored. The flavor it's supposed to be is artificial bacon. As in Bac-Os. The goal wasn't bacon, the goal was fake bacon (fakon?). I think I'm even more disgusted now.

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Food & Candy Company

Paqui Tortilla Chips Haunted Ghost Pepper

By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth (sorry I've been reading a lot of Dr. Strange) I have made a mistake. This was a Bad Idea. My mouth is burning, my nose is dripping, I want to scrape off my lips, and honestly I'm quite frightened of what's going to happen "down the line", if you know what I mean. All this woe and I just had two chips. Two chips and I'm ready to be buried in an ice casket. #$@&%*! I am so unhappy right now. I had one chip and thought "this is hot, but bearable", so what does my idiot self do? I have a second chip. I feel like I've been tongue kissed by Mephistopheles. Why the hell would they make a bag this big for these chips? It's not like you can even torture a room full of your "friends" with them, because after the first two collapse no one else is even going to get near them. Ghost peppers were the hottest pepper in the world in 2007, but are now "only" considered the third hottest. They are rated at more than one million Scoville heat units. They are 401.5 times hotter than Tabasco sauce (thanks Wikipedia). I should have looked all this up before putting it in my mouth. If the sadism involved wasn't enough these chips are also made with cayenne, chipotle, and chili powder, my guess is in order to give it something resembling a taste. As if anyone can taste anything other than misery and regret. #$@&%*! 

Found at Fresh Market

Blue Plate Special Blackberry Cobbler Soda

Good thing they let me know that it's a cobbler soda, otherwise I would have thought its a pie soda, and that would be ridiculous. Could you imagine, a bottom layer of pie crust? It boggles the mind. It's very good. Very sweet. The blackberry is a glory in artificial flavoring. What really stands out to me though is the pie taste. Sorry, cobbler taste. There's a hint of what I think is vanilla and cinnamon that really does give you the taste of pie crust. Sorry, cobbler crust. It really is a work of art. Sorry, work of cobbler.

Found at World Market

Flux Candy Box of Boogers

I thought this would gross, but really it snot. I'm already knuckle deep in the box and all I'm getting is gold. I guess I really picked a winner. You could say I really have a nose for these kind of things. Are my jokes starting to booger you?

There are three flavors, snottermelon, sour green boogy (apple), and lemon loogy. Snottermelon is my favorite, potent yet not overpowering and honestly it has the best name. They're soft, like real nose goblins, but thankfully not sticky, so no sticking them under your chair. I got lucky, I found a real phlegm gem. 

Found at World Market

Opies Pickled Walnuts

I have never heard of these. It never even crossed my mind that you could pickle nuts of any kind, much less walnuts. According to Wikipedia, pickled walnuts are an English (go figure) delicacy from at least the early 19th century and have even been mentioned by Charles Dickens. It is frequently served at Christmas and with English blue cheese, but is served with cold meat or used in recipes.

They certainly aren't among the lovelier foods I've eaten. The outside is black as pitch and the insides are a sickly greenish brown. They smell strongly of malt vinegar, like you've been sitting in an unventilated fish and chips shop. Not bad, but extremely potent. None of this matters though, because the taste is incredible. Sharp, yet meaty with a strong vinegar finish. Another surprising thing is that they are soft, you could spread them with a knife, but they would mostly crumble. They really do need to be paired with something else strong tasting, over wise the vinegar is overpowering, but once you pair it, it brings out all the other flavors you would miss otherwise. I couldn't imagine these every really becoming popular here in the States, but as an oddball treat they're pretty good.

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Tea and Spice Company (it shares a space with the Food and Candy Company)

Betty Crocker Maple Bacon Cookie Mix and Maple Bacon Frosting

People love breakfast. Since so many people no longer can afford to take the time to eat breakfast, it only makes sense that we've taken the traditional tastes of breakfast and turned them into tastes for other meals.

 

 

 

I still haven't figured out how to do uniform sizing. Or how to put frosting on without making a mess. Or how to parallel park. I'd have to say they are way more maple than bacon, although there is a certain smoky taste that lends itself to the illusion. Speaking of illusions, there are also little dark sugar clumps that are meant to simulate the feel of bacon chunks. The frosting is also strong on maple flavor and likewise includes a sugary topping that is meant to resemble real bacon. They do smell incredible however, like you just poured syrup all over your breakfast. Over all I have to say I like it, but I wouldn't want to eat too many at once, I think the maple would become overpowering and it would ultimately taste too much like chemicals, but it really does work in smaller doses.

 

Found at Food Lion

Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly Soda

Is there anything more classic than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich? According to Wikipedia the average American will eat 1,500 of them before graduating high school and I can only imagine that high school dropouts will eat considerably more. I have to say, the weird pinkish color freaks me out a bit, kind of like an unholy combination of grapefruit and Pepto Bismal. 

The taste is even harder to describe, there's certainly a sweet fruityness to it. However I'm not sure which fruit they are attempting to replicate, I think it's strawberry, but for all I know it could be grape. The peanut butter flavor at the beginning is weak, but it becomes more obvious in the aftertaste. The more you drink the more all the tastes build up, you really have to drink most of the bottle to get the full effect and once you do the taste will linger for a while. Almost like its sticking to the roof of your mouth. It's not bad, and I certainly wouldn't mind drinking it again, but past the novelty factor (my favorite factor) I really can't see anyone deciding this is their favorite soda. 

Donated by my mom

Found at Pa Dutch Food & Candy Company 

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Pumpkin Pie

I've been getting in touch with my inner white girl ( I imagine she looks just like me, but in Ms. Pac-Man fashion, has bows in her moustache) and have been eating quite a bit of pumpkin flavored foods. My weird thought processes aside, these are really good. I've never had warm pumpkin pie before, and I bet not too many of you have either. A real hot pumpkin pie would probably be too gooey and messy to eat, but once it's put into a crust pocket (which upon seeing it written out, sounds repulsive) it becomes a wonderful hot portable treat. The filling itself is all that a pumpkin pie could hope to be and the frosting is festive, sweet, and as always, necessary (I don't trust people who buy unfrosted pop tarts, they are probably pod people). It's good this comes in a double size box, six would just not be sufficient. 

Found at Food Lion

Calbee Snapea Crisps Wasabi Ranch

Interesting, I guess they can make Cheetos out of stuff other than corn. Actually it's not accurate to compare these to Cheetos, because they really have nothing in common other than texture. According to the package they are made 70% out of peas and are even shaped to resemble pea pods, just in case you forgot what you were eating. I'm also quite impressed with the wasabi ranch. That's not a common flavor in snack foods, but it should be. The bite of wasabi with the mellowness of ranch. Ii really can't say if they are a healthy, healthier, or just plain normal snack, but considering that they taste good I would certainly recommend giving them a shot. Just visualize whirled peas. Give peas a chance? No? Bad joke? I'll try to find something that will a-peas you. Peas don't stop reading my blog.

Found at 7-11

M&M's Pumpkin Spice

I've found the perfect pumpkin spice product for people who hate pumpkin spice. If there's any special flavor to this I really can't tell. Part of me wants to believe it's really subtle, like a picture of a polar bear in a snowstorm, but I think I have to admit it's just not there. It's not just me either, I passed some out at my office and no one could detect it either. They come in green, orange, and brown, which I guess is supposed to represent pumpkins, but I'm not really sure how. If the green is supposed to be for the stem, what is the brown then? All in all, disappointing, but on the bright side since it's the Age of Pumpkin Spice I'm sure I'll find things that'll do a better job of filling my pumpkin cravings.

Found at Target 

Herr's Old Bay Seasoned Cheese Curls

Finally a cheese puff variant that isn't just some type of spicy. While I doubt we'll ever see teriyaki or dill versions, it's good to think there is room for experimentation. As I've said previously Old Bay is regional spice originally used for crabs, but is making it's way to being a more universal flavoring. These are pretty good, the Old Bay isn't overpowering and the cheese helps keep it mellow. There is a slightly odd citrus tang in the aftertaste, but it's not unpleasant. To quote Eric Cartman, "yeah, I want cheesy poofs."

Found at Giant

Nabisco Pumpkin Spice Oreo

The ancient prophecies have come to pass. With the coming autumn, the fair skinned yoga pantsed maidens in Starbucks rejoiced. The Age of Pumpkin Spice is upon us! Already a bevy of gourd flavored and scented products dominate the landscape. It is then no surprise that Oreo, with it's boundless determination to make cookies that embody the very spirit of summer, also shall strive to do the same with fall. Once again with eerie accuracy they have hit their mark. Essentially they've created a perfectly puny pumpkin pie (alliteration!). Quite honestly I'm not sure if they manage to get flavors through use of mad science or the occult, but it really hits the mark. It truly feels like every ingredient and spice that exists in a real pumpkin pie is represented here, even though I think we all know none of them are actually present. Even the golden cookies, which I generally consider to be subpar, work well to create the illusion of a pie crust. If all this seasons offerings are as good as this I'll be quite pleased with this Age of Pumpkin Spice.

Found at Shoppers

MoonPie Salted Caramel

It's almost hard to believe that salted caramel until the early 2000's was considered a gourmet treat. It has slowly worked it's way down the culture pipeline to the point you can now find it anywhere. The humble MoonPie, which is coming close to one hundred years of production, is known as a working man's treat and can always be found in gas stations everywhere. So the idea of a salted caramel MoonPie strikes me like owning a tuxedo with the sleeves ripped off or putting oversize tires on a limousine. To make matters worse it's not even particularly good salted caramel. The whole point is for the salt to add a sharp bite to contrast to the sweetness of caramel. This just tasted like less sweet caramel, no salt involved. Even a couple of crystals would have made it more interesting. Long gone are the days when salt was a valuable commodity, hard fought from the earth, there's no need to be stingy with it. I better go down to the gas station and see if Cooter has gotten any caviar flavored pork rinds, I need something to salvage this meal.

Found at Giant

Bacon Mamma Jamma Bacon Jam

My family in Argentina always have a hard time with the words ham and jam. In Spanish ham is spelled jamon but pronounced ham-on (yes, I know I've mentioned this before). Now their mistake is even easier to make with bacon jam. It is made by slow cooking bacon, onions, brown sugar, and vinegar. This one is noticible for including garlic and rosemary. I have to admit this is one of the least visually appealing foods I've eaten, especially when it's cold. The fat congeals and makes the jar look like it's filled with white tendrils of horror. It's not much better when spread on a cracker. It looks like a foul mixture of pâté and dirt.

Looks aren't everything (which is what I tell women that I try to date), and if you heat them up for a couple seconds in the microwave.

Ok, they still look ugly and slightly darker, but wow, what a taste. Smoky, sweet, yet earthy and balanced. A little bit of heat melts the fat and caramelizes the sugar, turning it into a whole new treat. The onions are really well cooked so you get the flavor but not the odd sensation in your mouth (I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like the mouth feel of onions). If you only go by your eyes you are going to miss out (ahem, ladies). Even better this is spreadable bacon, you can put it on burgers, sandwiches, baked Brie, or even eggs. Truly we live in a bacon renaissance.

Donated by my mom

Found at baconmammajamma.com

Jelly Belly Draft Beer Jelly Beans

Draft beer (not sure why I try to spell it draught) has a reputation for being cheap beer. That reputation may not be entirely fair, but it does seem to be the thought process behind these jelly beans. Even upon opening the bag the smell of spilt beer assails the nose, reminding me of the dive bars I visited in college (as opposed to the dive bars I frequent now). A better, more accurate name instead of draft beer might be cheap American light (lite?) beer. It reminds me a college quite a bit, although I'm slightly less likely to go streaking afterwards (only slightly less), same odds on hurling though.

They are rather shiny and pretty, like something you'd find at a tacky wedding. I decided to pass some out at a local bar so I could get more opinions on how they taste (the sacrifices I make for this blog). I can safely say interest in the jelly beans grew as consumption of alcohol increased (shocking, I know). Where I think they taste like stale beer, my fellow patrons were convinced of loftier brews, such as Yuengling or Sierra Nevada. 

On the bright side though, even if you eat an entire bag of them, you won't wake up with a hangover or with a regrettable hook up in your bed.

Donated by my mom

Found on Amazon.com

Blue Plate Special Red Velvet Cake Soda

Is it possible to juice a cake? Put it in a giant press and squeeze it's essence out. That's what this soda tastes like, liquid extract of red velvet. Incidentally, if you didn't know, red velvet gets it's name from the chemical reaction of cocoa powder and buttermilk (I'm 90% certain there is no velvet involved, however). This soda is red from food coloring, but I wanted to share a useless fact. It will also turn your tongue a lovely shade of crimson.

 It's very sweet, but not cloyingly so. The cocoa flavor really comes across smoothly, one might even say velvety. I wouldn't mind drinking it with some cream cheese, or even an actual slice of red velvet cake, but I think my head would explode and my tongue would never return to it's original shade.

Found at World Market

Annie Chun's Roasted Seaweed Snacks Wasabi

How does the idea of eating paper sound to you? Would the fact that it's remarkably dry, crispy, and nearly translucent make it more appealing? No? Oh, that's too bad then, these are pretty good. They make me want to go out and get sushi, but to be fair many things make me want to get sushi (including sushi making me want to eat more sushi). The wasabi is pretty hot, but doesn't get overwhelming because each piece is very thin. In fact that may be my only complaint. Each piece is so thin that they gone in a heart beat. The seaweed itself has a slightly salty taste with perhaps a tiny hint of pleasant fishiness. For something that's described as a snack it's not filling at all and just leaves you wanting more. A lot more. It's like eating wasabi air. I are the entire package in minutes and I'm not sated at all. If anything it just made me hungrier. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Found at Harris Teeter

Grapery Cotton Candy Grapes

The grape growers (grape breeders? grapists?) at Grapery (same group that made the Witch Finger grapes) show up once again to demonstrate that the majesty of nature is nothing to the oddities of man. Yes, they really do taste like cotton candy. No, they aren't GMO, unless you consider regular cross breeding that people have been doing for all of human history to be a genetic modification. When I say they taste like cotton candy I want to explain that it's only for the first second when you bite down that you get the rush of flavor, afterwards it just like any other good grape when you chew. Don't worry though, grapes are small and you can (and will) go through quite a few of them. Almost a shame they aren't bright blue or pink.

Found at Fresh Market

M&M's White Chocolate Candy Corn

I'm still not sure what candy corn is actually supposed to taste like. It's certainly not corn, and personally I don't think it tastes like candy either. It's pretty much just sugar and wax. Still, candy corn has been around for a bit more than a hundred years, so it's not surprising that someone out there likes it. There are even people who eat those repulsive wax lips. Bunch of sickos. I feel like even the bag is disgusted at me for eating these, but I don't let surly bags rule my life, so eat them I will. Upon opening the bag the smell of candy corn reaches out like a zombies arm pushing through the cold dead earth. They have the smell down pat, I haven't had candy corn in years and even now I find it unmistakable. Much like real candy corn there are three colors and they all taste the same. I think the taste is quite similar to the real thing (heinous), but the white chocolate does give it a much creamier taste. One of my coworkers complained that they tasted too artificial, but considering there is nothing natural in real candy corn, I can't even imagine how that's possible. If for some ungodly reason you like candy corn and white chocolate, I suggest you pick some up on your way to the insane asylum.

Found at Walmart

San Pellegrino Clementina

San Pellegrino is an Italian company that produces a naturally occurring carbonated water from the Dolomite Mountains (not to be confused with the super pimp and his army of all girl Kung Fu killers). They also make a number of fruit based beverages featuring the same water. They are known for their strong tart taste. Clementina (made from clementines, just in case your Italian is rusty) is actually fairly mild in comparison to its cousins Limonata and Aranciata. It's still tart, but it won't make your face scrunch up like you are being pulled into a tiny black hole either. The natural carbonation also gives it an interesting aftertaste, especially if you are rude like me and promptly burp right after drinking. All in all it's really quite good, very refreshing, and a great replacement if you don't feel like drinking Orange Crush.

Found at Giant

Chocolate Nugget Candy Factory Thin and Crisp Jalapeño, P-Nut Brittle

Whenever I think of peanut brittle I think of the old cans that had a spring snake inside that would jump out to scare you when you opened the lid. A good portion of me was expecting that when I opened this bag. I expected to be horrified, and to be fair it is a shade of green that would make the Incredible Hulk go green with envy if he wasn't already green.

I really shouldn't trust my expectations. It's actually quite mild, that or I've murdered my tongue with spicy foods and I can't tell anymore.  Don't get me wrong though, you can certainly taste the jalapeño and there is a bit of heat to it. It just takes a while to build up, but once it does it lingers. Speaking of lingering, being brittle (so that's why they call it that) when you bite into it shatters and leaves lots of little green crystals that stick quite tenaciously to your shirt, or in my case, chest hair. I feel like a sticky Oscar the Grouch. Being green, sticky, and hairy is making me feel a bit grouchy too, good thing it's still rather tasty.

Found at the Chocolate Nugget Candy Factory in Nevada

Donated by my friend Amy

Essential Everyday Bacon Wrapped Jalapeño Popper Kettle Chips

Wait, are bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers a real thing? Is somebody playing word salad with food? Avocado prosciutto sushi. Good heavens, it works! I want that now! Ahem, let me regain my composure. Bacon, cream cheese, and jalapeño (I'm guessing from the picture that they aren't using fried jalapeño poppers as inspiration), it's a tall order to keep these tastes individually distinct. Jalapeño can and often does overpower other flavors. That is somewhat the case here. I say somewhat because, it really depends on how you eat these. If you eat a few at a time all you will taste is the pepper. If you eat them individually however you can also taste the bacon or the cream cheese. For whatever reason (possibly brain damage) I only taste jalapeño and bacon on some and on the others is jalapeño and cream cheese on the others. Never all three at once and never without the jalapeño. Perhaps the different flavors are made separately or maybe my weak mind can't perceive more than two things at once. Either way, they are pretty good as long as you enjoy jalapeño (I feel like I haven't ever typed this many Ñ's in one paragraph), and who knows maybe someone else will be able to taste all three working in harmony.

Found at Shoppers

Herr's Fire Roasted Sweet Corn flavored Popcorn

If any of you recently heard a loud popping noise, that was the sound of my mind being blown. It's corn flavored to taste like other corn. What's next corn on the cob being genetically modified to taste like candy corn? Blegh, that sounds awful. I've previously reviewed Herr's Sweet Corn flavoring when it was featured on potato chips. That was weird, and yet this is somehow stranger. Unlike the chips, you can somewhat taste the popcorn underneath, which makes the two tastes go somewhat back and forth on which one is more prominent at any given time. As odd as all this sounds, they are actually quite good, plenty of buttery flavor, salty but not excessively so, and it really does remind you of corn fresh off the grill. I kind of wish they served this at movie theaters, just can't overthink it, down that path lies madness.

Found at Giant

Arriba Horchata Energy Cinnamon Spice

Horchata, for the most part, in the United States refers to a milk drink made with rice and cinnamon, but there are many different varieties that can be made completely different. Even though it's spelled with an H, you don't pronounce it, so it really isn't "whore chata". This energy drink version is a pretty good take on the original. It has slightly less caffeine than a comparably sized Red Bull, but it tastes way better. It really doesn't even taste like an energy drink at all. The dairy and spices even manage to cover up the taurine flavor (which I've learned is important for cats, and perhaps even humans) that most energy drinks have. It really tastes like something I would drink, even if I wasn't looking for something to wake me up. I wonder if I put it into coffee as a replacement for cream, if I would be able see time or hear colors.

Found at 7-11

Bruce Cost Ginger Ale Unfiltered Original

Do you like ginger? Do you really like ginger? I don't mean gingers, our fair skinned and red haired friends (they are great, though). I mean the root that has a million uses and has travelled the world over. If you like ginger beer or if you can scarf down a dozen ginger snaps without crying, this may be the drink for you. In the United States regular ginger ale is thought of as a mild drink, perhaps something you'd drink with a couple saltines because you've got an upset tummy. This'll fix your belly, but not before it sets your tongue on fire. There's a reason ginger is served with sushi to cleanse the palate. Since it's unfiltered there is actual ginger floating around in it. I didn't really physically notice it, but there's no forgetting the effect. I bet it would make a great Dark and Stormy, just add dark rum. 

Found at World Market

Oscar Meyer Teriyaki Ginger Seasoned Bacon Jerky

Somebody call my mother, because I think I'm in love. This is truly the pinnacle of pig engineering science! As you can imagine I've had a number of different bacon jerkies, this one takes the cake (maple bacon cake?). Unlike others, it actually manages to avoid the whole large pieces of bacon fat issue that, while still tasty, make chewing the jerky feel kind of disturbing. Since the slices are very thin it also lacks the tough leathery feel of regular jerky. It really feels more like  normal precooked bacon than jerky at all. The taste is exquisite, the wholesome joy of real bacon, the sweetness of teriyaki, the zest of ginger. I've made my own candied ginger teriyaki bacon before, but with this around I'm not sure I'll need to go through the effort or the massive clean up. I've already finished my bag, I need to get to the store RIGHT NOW!

Found at Walmart

Mamma Chia Chia Squeeze Green Magic

Ch-ch-ch-chia! I'm not quite certain this is food. When did chia go from being the stuff we coat our terra cotta pets with, to something we are supposed to eat? Were we supposed to eat our chia pets? If I coat my currently shorn scalp with this will I grow lovely green locks? Seriously, is this food? So many questions.

Should it look like this? Do I have to eat it?

With so many questions the only thing to do is try it. Eating it, that is, not spreading it on my head. Umm, well, sure is slimy. People like slimy, right? In addition to chia seeds (ch-ch-ch-chia!, I can't get that out of my head now), the "Green Magic" is made out of banana, mango, apple, kale, and a couple of other things I've never heard of and aren't going to look up (screw you, spirulina and chlorella). Everything is organic. There are at least ten times organic is listed on the package (I would have counted higher, but I ran out of fingers). It has plenty of Omega-3 and also 6 and 9, which again I've never heard of and won't look up. Suffice to say chia isn't going to be a flavor someday Oreo is going to stick between two cookies. I really don't like it. I wonder if I got a bad batch (it's certainly ugly enough), but I have the sneaking suspicion that it's this way intentionally. I'm more than willing to try "health" foods, but flavor must come first.

Found at Target

Nabisco Caramel Apple Oreo

Fall is soon coming upon us and with it come fall flavors. Soon we will be awash in candy corn, pecan pie, and absolutely everything pumpkin spice related. Let's not forget the humble apple in both candied and caramel form. I rarely eat the real things anymore, having a humongous moustache means that if I try to bite into one it'll become permanently grafted to my face, but I do enjoy the flavors. That's where these come in, all the taste and my precious handlebar looks dashing for yet another day. If anything the taste may be too exact. Instead of the fake apple flavor that you typically get from let's say a Jolly Rancher, they actually taste like you are biting into an apple or at least drinking some apple cider. The caramel is a bit more subdued, but still pretty good. Also you can separate the caramel from the apple and eat them individually, if you are so inclined. They also go well with milk. The only real question is will I prefer these of the rumored and in my opinion inevitable pumpkin spice Oreos?

Found at Target

Vosges Smoky Tellicherry Bar

I find it fitting to review this bar as I approach one hundred reviews, because it was a very similar chocolate bar that started me down my path as The Reckless Gastronome. Years ago my mother picked me up a Mo's Bacon Bar and that started me on the path of finding and trying some of the less conventional foods out there. Much like myself this chocolate bar isn't content to be slightly odd (I'm certain my friends are in complete agreement with that assessment), it wants to be completely unique (or in my case downright weird). To that end it uses tellicherry peppercorns, which are special type of pepper from the coast of India that are allowed to mature more in order to give them a richer taste. No I didn't know any of that, I figured I was getting some type of actual cherry when I bought this, I really should read the packaging more closely. Between dark chocolate, smoked bacon, and fancy peppercorns it really covers all bases on the taste spectrum. My only real complaint is that I absolutely hate the feel of peppercorns in my mouth. They just feel like debris. Flavorful debris, but still like something you should spit out.

Found at the Fresh Market

Herr's Sloppy Joe Flavored Potato Chips

The Sloppy Joe is a mid-twentieth century American food made from cheap plentiful ingredients. My guess is that it had something to do with either the Depression or World War IIand had to figure out how to stretch a limited supply or ration of beef. They are made with ground beef, tomato sauce or ketchup, onions, and spices. What's a bit less well understood is why people keep eating them. The ingredients are now plentiful, the Nazis are mostly gone (except for the evil Red Skull), and occasionally people wear clothing that they don't want stained red. Perhaps it's a regional thing, much like my insistence on putting Old Bay on everything. Remember when I said Sloppy Joe's are made with beef tomatoes, onions, and spices (you should, it was only a few sentences ago)? These chips really don't taste like any of that. The thing they taste most of is paprika. All other tastes take a back seat. There are other tastes, but without being part blood hound I couldn't figure out what they were. Tomato, maybe? Here's the problem though, in no way shape or form do they come close to having anything that could be considered meaty. There's no umami sensation when you eat these, that mouthwatering heartiness that almost sticks to your tongue. Over all, these are a disappointment, but at least I didn't make a mess all over my shirt.

Found at Walmart

Alicita Salsa Twist of Japan

Japan, the birthplace of Godzilla, giant robots, pink haired school girls with huge eyes, and plenty of other things I'm being culturally insensitive to. Japan is also know for it's many and varied cuisines that continue to grow in popularity throughout the world. So what makes this salsa "Japan Twisted"? Ginger. Interesting, I would have thought it something more distinctively Japanese like wasabi or Pokemon flavor. Ginger has been known in the West since the 1st century AD. I wasn't even sure where it originated from because pretty much every culture now uses it in their food (southern China, by the way). The Japanese ginger I see most often is the pink slices that are served with sushi and known as Gari. Gari is used to cleanse the palate between pieces of sushi. In salsa the ginger gives it a much smoother taste. There's plenty of zest and tang but it mellows the acidity and spiciness. Makes me wonder why more salsas don't use it. It's not a particularly chunky salsa, the ingredients are mostly blended, but you can still make out what pieces were what. It goes great with chips, and I imagine it would also compliment any dish it was used in. I wouldn't immediately think of Japan when I try this, but I do have to say domo arigato (Mr. Roboto).

Found at Giant

Petey's Bing

According to my internet research Bing cherries are either named after: the sound they make when you drop one in a steel bowl; Bing Crosby, who is rumored to have ate five pounds of cherries a day;  Bing the search engine, Microsoft buying the rights to the fruit in some bizarre marketing scheme; or 19th century Manchurian Chinese foreman Ah Bing, who oversaw the cultivation. Funny thing, the internet. Even though it doesn't come out and say it, and even though I found this in the produce/health drinks section, I'm pretty sure this is an energy drink. It says there's 5% cherry juice, but It has taurine, caffeine, ginseng root, and guarana seed, as well. It also has beta-glucan, acai berry, and flax seed, which according to my internet research (which it's totally untrustworthy) may in fact, be something that won't destroy your body. You shouldn't be taking my advice on medical matters anyways, I eat all kinds of crazy stuff. It tastes pretty good for an energy drink, better than Red Bull at least  and it pairs well with vodka. The taste is sweet but still doesn't quite mask the taurine flavor that is common to most energy drinks. Not that it's any of my business, if you want to be healthy and energized, shouldn't you be doing yoga or something and not searching for it in a can? Meh, I'm a slacker, this'll do just fine for me.

Found at Food Lion